A definitive ranking of the greatest Joans of all time.

I normally spend more time than the average girl of my age thinking about Joan Collins; but with her recent Damehood and guest spot on perhaps-the-greatest-television-show-ever-created ‘The Royals’ she’s been taking up an increasing amount of my brain space. What a woman. HUMBLE BRAG ALERT – I once met her and she calling me “dahhhhling” and told me I had a fabulous name.

BUT. What about the other women called Joan? There are a higher than average amount of amazing ladies with this seemingly unglamorous name, and luckily for you I’m going to rank them in order of their fabulosity rating:

5. Joan of Arc. An undisputedly bad ass 15th century bitch. An uneducated peasant girl who was burned at the stake aged 19 for her Catholic cross dressing anti-English ways which resulted in her posthumous Sainthood. Perhaps most pertinently she inspired Madonna’s 2014 album track from her ‘Rebel Heart’ album. A true unapologetic bitch.


4. Joan Cusack. A cursory glance at her Wikipedia page to check her filmography pretty much sums up all you need to know about the elder sister of John. What’s not to love about a woman who’s featured in Working Girl, Sixteen Candles, Addams Family Values, Confessions of a Shoppaholic, Say Anything AND Ice Princess?? If that didn’t win you over this hair do surely will…


3. Joan Rivers. The Queen of the E! Channel (sorry Kim) and the only woman able to outbitch Miss Piggy in the 1984 classic ‘Muppets Take Manhattan’. Since her sad death last year award season will never be the same again.


2. Joan Crawford. The original Mommie Dearest is the only actress thus far to accept her Academy Award from her sickbed (until I win one that is). That coupled with her penchant for making her adopted children experts at dirt removal surely makes her the patron saint of lazy girls everywhere? Born Lucille Le Sueur in an unconfirmed year Crawford quickly made it up the ranks from chorus girl to one of the most prominent movie stars of the Classical Hollywood era, and was the embodiment of a new age of glamour with her Adrian designed sharp shouldered jackets and red pout. Selflessly campaigned to put the wire coat hanger business into liquidation and her role in 1962’s classic ‘Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?’ inspired Cara Delevigne to stop plucking her unruly brows. Fact.


1. Joan Collins. My love affair with Ms Collins started in the 1980s when I’d (successfully) beg my Mother to let me stay up late and watch ‘Dynasty’. Dynasty was all I wanted from life and how I imagined my adult world would be. Joan as Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dextor Rowan single-handedly inspired my love of red lipstick, veiled headwear and over dramatising EVERYTHING. She lives in a parallel world to us mere mortals and is perhaps our only remaining living link to a byegone age. Much like our official Queen the country would fall apart if anything were to happen to the goddess that is St Joan of Collins, so thank goodness that even at the age of 81 she shows no signs of slowing down.



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